The Code of Trust by Robin Dreeke – book review by Steve Bagienski.
I’ve been a fan of Robin Dreeke ever since Penn Jillette Tweeted about him, which led to finding Dreeke’s first book, It’s Not All about me. His work intrigued me because building rapport is crucial for good close-up magic and it was an area I wanted to improve in.
So, who is Robin Dreeke? He’s a counterintelligence expert and the retired head of the FBI’s Behavioural Analysis Program. His career required him to build trust with suspected criminals in the most challenging of environments, often to protect America from international threats. If you haven’t heard of him… well, that’s probably because a major theme of this book is suspending your ego and making it not all about yourself!
The Code of Trust takes his earlier book multiple steps further. In it, Robin breaks down the code, which he learned from years of experience in the field and offers practical advice on how you too can learn it to gain the trust of others. The code is simple to learn, but more challenging to implement in practice due to how our evolutionary brain is wired to protect our ego.
Here’s the code and my thoughts on it:
Suspend your ego – by our very nature, we all focus on our own life: our own needs, goals, desires, and so on. That’s not necessarily a bad thing because without it, we wouldn’t get anywhere in life. But to gain the trust of others, we must suspend this natural focus on ourselves and redirect this to what matters most: them. Forget your own agenda. No need to give your advice. Remember, it’s all about them. Humility is powerful for building trust.
Be non judgemental – respect other peoples’ thoughts, ideas, morals, and perspectives… no matter how much they conflict with your own. No one trusts people who don’t understand them. No need to judge, whether it’s favourably or not.
Validate others – seek to understand the other person. No matter what you think about the other person, everyone has some common decency that can be appreciated. We all have the right to our own thoughts and ideas, even when they’re socially unacceptable. Respect others’ rights to have their unique perspective and seek to understand it.
Honour reason – give people a logical, honest reason to trust you. No need to manipulate. Just stick to the facts and rationality. People respond to reason.
Be generous – no one likes one-sided relationships. You must give something of value to the other person. Being generous comes in many forms: It can be a thoughtful gift related to their interests, the gift of your time or attention, or the most precious of all: your trust.
So there it is. As I said earlier, putting all this into practice can be challenging. You might be worthy of another person’s trust, but unless you convey this trustworthiness clearly, people still won’t give you theirs. In the second half of the book Robin walks you through four steps of doing so:
- Align your goals – this will help both sides benefit, gain something of value, and end with a win-win situation.
- Apply the power of context – never argue context. People trust others who understand them: their beliefs, goals, personality, and so on.
- Craft your encounters – learn how to create the best environment for success.
- Connect – connect with the other person by speaking their language, focusing on them and meeting their needs.
Within each of these steps, Robin shares real-life spy stories as examples and gives Jedi-like techniques to achieve your goal of earning trust. He covers everything from how leaders inspire trust within an organisation and trust in the digital age to tips on avoiding common pitfalls. He also teaches his system of reading personalities (personally I needed to read it a few times before I understood it). Nevertheless, the tips on crafting your encounters is well worth the price of the book, as it covers some of the most reliable ways to craft that first encounter.
It’ll take some practice, but after reading this book, you’ll have a better grasp on how to earn other people’s trust and how to harness your own trustworthiness to make both your own dreams, and those of others, come true.